Tuesday, October 30, 2012

life is too short to spend another day at war with yourself.

"... and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse. And that's where the power of love comes in. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are."

Because of everything that's happened with my dad with his memory loss and cancer, I've learned that you can never fully understand or get used to a tragedy in your life. As I've gotten older, I am able to see different aspects of the situation that I couldn't see when it first occurred. For example, when he first came home and had no short term memory, I focused on how it affected me and my immediate life because I was so young. I tried my best to avoid getting emotional and to just adapt and get used to the fact that he was going to depend on me more than the other way around. Now, although I still struggle with those aspects, new struggles come to the surface. I can see the way my dad's disability has affected his potential at living a full life. I can see everything  that he would've been able to experience, but now never can. I can see how his friends are affected; they essentially lost an irreplaceable friend. Furthermore, I can see what my mom has lost as well. I now realize more of what that may feel like, which I could never have fathomed six years ago.

Sometimes, when I become overwhelmed and distraught over these and other realities, I get frustrated with myself, wondering why I would still get upset after all these years, when I should already be fully accustomed to it all. I realize, though, that my maturing mind is just grasping the traumatic situation in new ways. This is what happens with any major obstacle we face in life. We can never fully get over it. This may seem unfortunate and pessimistic, but I see it as an ever present chance to learn more about myself and others and to be able to grow as a person. I would undo my dads memory loss in a heartbeat, but since I can't, I know that God will use it to teach me lessons, pushing me to be the best person I can be. If everyone at least tries to take this approach (it can be downright impossible at times, even for me), life will seem brighter and peace will be achieved.