Do not look forward to the changes of life in fear;

rather look to them with full hope as they arise,

God will deliver you from out of them.

He has kept you hitherto,

do you but hold fast to His dear hand,

and He will lead you safely through all things;

and, when you cannot stand,

He will bear you in his arms.

Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow;

the same everlasting Father who cares for you today

will take care of you then and everyday.

Either He will shield you from suffering,

or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it.

Be at peace, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

Last night, my sister showed me this prayer and I've been obsessed with it ever since. Currently, my family is going through a very scary, difficult time. Last week, my dad had a stem cell transplant, which involves high dose chemo that wipes out his entire immune system. In order to keep him alive, they infuse him with his healthy stem cells. This process of revitalizing his immune system takes time, so he is currently at extreme risk of infection, and now has to spend 7-10 days in the hospital. He sleeps all day, needs help walking, can hardly eat, and has become increasingly irritable. 

This current situation has obviously left each member of my family struggling through it and constantly searching for strength to continue through their day. Personally, it has been really hard for me to be away at school and have to go to my classes, do homework, etc. as if nothing is out of the ordinary. A lot of the time, I feel like a zombie and completely out of it, as my thoughts are solely centered around my dad and how he's doing. All I want to do is be at home with my family, not sitting in the library studying Neurodevelopmental Disorders.

Reading this prayer has left me feeling that maybe I CAN get through this. That maybe I really do have enough strength to keep living my life while all of this is going on. God is there for me even when I feel completely alone, guiding me towards peace, hope, and faith. The most I can do is accept Him with open arms, even when it seems easier to reject Him and just dwell on the worst. Also, this prayer made me think about all of the gifts God has given me to help me overcome this dark time. Specifically, God has given me the absolute best friends at Notre Dame. They have left me feeling completely overwhelmed with love and support countless times, and they go above and beyond to make sure I know that they are thinking of me and praying for me. I feel so lucky and blessed to have them in my life, and I don't know where I would be without them. I see God working through each one of them every day.

I copy/pasted this prayer on a "sticky note" on my laptop desktop. Now, every morning and whenever I feel down, I will read this prayer and remember that God is with me and will guide me through this journey.

It’s amazing to think that I started this blog almost exactly four years ago.  When I first made the blog, I remember feeling desperate to relate to someone else about all the feelings and emotions I had been enduring.  My dad had just been diagnosed with cancer one year before, and had lost his short-term memory three years before that.  Although at the time, his cancer had made it into remission, I still struggled with accepting all of the obstacles my dad and my family had gone through.  His short-term memory loss especially affected me, as I was constantly reminded of the difficult reality with his repetitive questions and altogether different personality.

First and foremost, I’m proud of my seventeen-year-old self for dealing with these feelings in such a healthy way.  Instead of internalizing my emotions and isolating myself from others, I took my struggles as an opportunity to potentially help others who are also going through various obstacles.  The main goal of this blog continues to be to relate to others in any way that I can.  If a simple sentence or quote strikes someone and lessens his/her pain in any way, I’ve accomplished what I’ve sought out to do.  It means the world to when people have reached out and have told me that their blog inspired them and motivated them to keep going.  The ability to connect with someone in this way affects everyone involved and makes the world feel that much less overbearing.

Although so much has remained the same, I have also grown so much in the past four years.  I have learned so much about myself, and have learned how to truly love and value myself.  Four years ago, I undermined my emotions and thought that being strong meant not feeling sad or overwhelmed.  I wanted to avoid these feelings, and I would get angry with myself when I felt upset.  Now, I accept and embrace these feelings. I realize that these moments of emotion make me human.  Instead of making me weak, they make me strong because I am able to overcome them and remain determined to live a happy, full life.

Life is life and horrible, unfair, scary things happen to the best of people.  Letting this fact dominate your mentality will only cause you to be miserable.  If nobody can change the inevitability of death and suffering, why not learn to liv the best life possible while you can!? Your mortality can serve to motivate you instead of burden you.  Nobody’s perfect, and some days, life will get the best of you.  Simply stepping out every day with the intention to remain peaceful and happy is enough to truly live to your full potential.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

I was recently looking through old pictures on my phone and came across this screenshot.  At the time, I screenshotted it because my mom's message really struck me.  At the time of this conversation (last fall), my dad had just found out that his cancer came back, and that he had very large tumors on his chest. Because of his short term memory loss, it took him a while to ingrain the knowledge that he had cancer into his memory. This time was extremely scary for my entire family. None of us had any idea of what the future would bring for my dad. For me, everything seemed to be falling apart and I had no way to control any of it. Being away from home was overwhelming and stressful, especially because I had to keep up with school even though I was constantly thinking and worrying about my dad. Scary, negative thoughts were always going through my head, and I was always preparing myself for the worst. When I got these texts from my mom, though, I began to see it all from a different light. I couldn't control my dad's cancer or what would happen to him, but instead of using all my energy worrying and being pessimistic, I could spend my time remaining hopeful by praying and going to the grotto alone or with my friends.

I hope to one day have the strength and the trust in God that my dad naturally has each day. Despite all of the horrible things he has gone through, his faith never falters. Instead, he remains confident that God will continue to be by his side, and my family's side, and that everything will be okay. Some days, it takes a lot of extra effort to maintain this mentality because all you want to do is yell at God and feel defeated. However, I hope to use my dad as a constant example to live my life like him every day regardless of the difficult, troubling events that may be occurring around me. 

"At all times your world is a projection of yourself. Expansion of self to universal awareness is enlightenment."

I was completely struck by this quote when I first saw it. This quote epitomizes how ultimately, each one of us chooses the world we live in. Sure, bad things happen to good people and we often come across difficult circumstances. It's our job to accept those uncontrollable situations, and to refuse to let them dictate how we view each moment and each day. Letting them dictate your life results in living in fear instead of love.

If you live your life in fear, you let your daily insecurities and daily obstacles define your life and who you are. Instead, we all need to work on living with love. This means that you work to live every moment being the most authentic self that you can be. This means living life fully vulnerable and open, determined to make the most out of every situation. Of course, there will be some days where this is nearly impossible and it'll be a struggle to even get out of bed. All that matters is that you face every day trying your best. By being your best, most authentic self, you are doing everything that you can in each moment. If you do this, you can confidently accept the fact that YOU are enough. Everything that's meant to be WILL fall into place the way it needs to because you're living your life guided by love and gratitude for every moment.

Originally, I had planned to study abroad this semester in Australia. I was so excited to get out of the South Bend winter and explore a part of the world that I had only ever dreamed about. However, last semester, I decided that it would be best to withdraw and stay close to home so that I could spend time with my family while my dad underwent treatment for his cancer. I realized that one day, I may regret going abroad and being away from my family during this time, but that I would never regret the precious times spent with my dad if I stayed at Notre Dame. 

Although the decision basically made itself, it was still a huge disappointment. With this horrible, freezing weather and the additional hardship of two of my best friends abroad, this semester could be the worst, most depressing one yet. However, I refuse to let these situations dictate how I live my life. I'm determined find the little things each day to help me remain happy. Instead of focusing on all the adventures I could be having, I remember that I'm still here with some of the greatest friends, and that I have the absolute best time with them. Also, I challenge myself to meditate every morning and work out every day to stay centered and healthy. 

Inevitably, there have been days where I feel like giving up and where I wish my life could be different. I accept these feelings when they come, knowing that they will pass and that I deserve to let myself feel them. The goal is not to be happy 100% of the time, but to simply accept each moment when it comes and try my best to remain my greatest self no matter what comes my way.

"my advice to you is to remember how vital family is"

Below is something I just came across that I posted about two years ago. Even though I realized the lessons I talk about when I wrote it, I can never be reminded enough about how important family is and how I should never take them for granted. Too often I do the opposite of what the post teaches. For example, I get frustrated with my dad's memory loss way too easily. Granted, it's extremely difficult adjusting from college to home life. I go from being able to (for the most part) remove myself from it and "forget" about it to having to come home and face it every day with expected unlimited patience. It's impossible! However, that's not an excuse. I need to learn to take a deep breath and simply try my hardest to give him a break and remember that he CAN'T remember and that he's trying his hardest. Every day spent with family is precious, and I need to especially remember that with mine.

Through the years, I have learned how important family is. You always hear how important they are, but it’s one of those things that goes in one ear and out the other, at least that’s how it used to be for me. That all changed about three years ago when my dad had a non-cancerous brain tumor. He had to have a surgery to remove it. During the surgery, there was a complication, and it resulted in him getting short term memory loss. Because of this, our family had to adjust to a new kind of living. My dad can no longer work. At night, he can’t remember what he did that day, etc. Our family had to become a lot stronger because of this. This kind of abrupt change in a family member is impossible to get used to- I am still not totally used to it. We had no choice, though, to accept it the best way we could and learn to live with it. It came as a surprise then, when about a year ago [almost four years ago now], my dad was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, a rare form of blood cancer. A million questions ran through my mind- Why him? He’s very religious and goes to mass almost every day- why did he deserve this? Was it a punishment? Why did God let this happen to him and my family? For the next couple months, he was in and out of the hospital constantly, reminding me of his six week stay at the hospital three years back. Now, luckily, he is in remission. The doctors say that the cancer will unfortunately come back some time, but we are very hopeful for him to stay in remission for a long time.

The thing to get out of this story is very simple- family is the most important thing you can have. Before all this happened, I never thought about how lucky I was or how blessed I was to have such a loving, supportive family. Unfortunately, it took devastating changes in my life to make me realize it. I now never take anything for granted that I do with my family. Even family dinners can mean everything. Of course, this is easier said than done and at times, I’ll be annoyed at my mom or mad at my brother, but I try my hardest not to. Also, because my dad has short term memory loss, he doesn’t remember little arguments I have with him or if I am ever in a bad mood. It teaches me to focus on the important, loving aspects of my family and to not get caught up in the small stuff that gets me upset. My advice to you is to remember how vital family is. Also, no matter what they do, it is because they love you. Don’t take them for granted. Try to let the feeling go that you’re too cool for them- stay in one night and just spend time with them.

Also, remember that God is always there for you with any problems you have. Since my life has changed, I look to God a lot for strength and hope. Without Him, I do not know how I would have the strength to keep going and be positive. When my dad first was diagnosed with cancer, I was so confused with God. I wondered why he would do this to him. I didn’t know if it was a punishment or he just simply let it happen. Now, I have realized that He does not put anyone through anything that they cannot handle. He has made me a stronger and better person through all of this. He is looking out for every one of us and we just have to have faith to be able to see it.

life is too short to spend another day at war with yourself.

"... and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse. And that's where the power of love comes in. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are."

Because of everything that's happened with my dad with his memory loss and cancer, I've learned that you can never fully understand or get used to a tragedy in your life. As I've gotten older, I am able to see different aspects of the situation that I couldn't see when it first occurred. For example, when he first came home and had no short term memory, I focused on how it affected me and my immediate life because I was so young. I tried my best to avoid getting emotional and to just adapt and get used to the fact that he was going to depend on me more than the other way around. Now, although I still struggle with those aspects, new struggles come to the surface. I can see the way my dad's disability has affected his potential at living a full life. I can see everything  that he would've been able to experience, but now never can. I can see how his friends are affected; they essentially lost an irreplaceable friend. Furthermore, I can see what my mom has lost as well. I now realize more of what that may feel like, which I could never have fathomed six years ago.

Sometimes, when I become overwhelmed and distraught over these and other realities, I get frustrated with myself, wondering why I would still get upset after all these years, when I should already be fully accustomed to it all. I realize, though, that my maturing mind is just grasping the traumatic situation in new ways. This is what happens with any major obstacle we face in life. We can never fully get over it. This may seem unfortunate and pessimistic, but I see it as an ever present chance to learn more about myself and others and to be able to grow as a person. I would undo my dads memory loss in a heartbeat, but since I can't, I know that God will use it to teach me lessons, pushing me to be the best person I can be. If everyone at least tries to take this approach (it can be downright impossible at times, even for me), life will seem brighter and peace will be achieved.

"all anyone can do is try to keep moving, remembering that God will always be there to remind you of how much you can handle with Him by your side"

A post from this summer.. Felt moved to re-post it today--

Earlier this summer, a friend and I were discussing why bad things have to happen to good people, like when someone dies young or when a kind, selfless person seems to never have things go his/her way.  Unfortunately, no matter how much one ponders this or gets angry about it, there will never be a rational, concrete answer that will please everyone.  Because of this, trust and faith in God is completely necessary.  Whenever I find myself troubled by this thought, I remind myself that unfair events occur in life no matter who it is.  However, God is there to help those struggling through these obstacles.  He is there amidst the low points, providing patience, strength, and hope even during the lowest moments.  

In my life, countless things have happened that could easily make me frustrated and angry towards God.  Many of these struggles tempt me to think "why would God ever let this happen to me and my family", but I resist.  Multiple times a week, my dad asks me questions like, "so you just finished your junior year at Notre Dame right?" (I just finished my freshman year) and "what day is it today?".  Does the fact that my dad basically knows nothing of my life keep me down? The answer is no. Of course, I feel overwhelmed and extremely sad when I think about how desperately I want to be able to fully share my Notre Dame experience with my dad because of how much he loved it there.  I feel like just giving up when I think that no matter what I say or do, he won't remember, so what does it matter?  However, I have no choice but to pick myself up and continue on with life, knowing that God is with me and will provide me with the strength to keep going.

The fact of the matter is what happened, happened. Nobody can go back and undo the complications in his brain surgery. There is nothing that can ever get his short term memory back. My dad can't do anything to have his cancer completely leave his body. That's the way life is. What my family and I can do, though, is move forward and live every day positively and with as much love as possible. I'm not undermining how hard it can be at times, because the journey can be disappointing, defeating, and tragic. All anyone can do is try to keep moving, remembering that God will always be there to remind you of how much you can handle with Him by your side.

get ready it's a new day.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Earlier this summer, a friend and I were discussing why bad things have to happen to good people, like when someone dies young or when a kind, selfless person seems to never have things go his/her way.  Unfortunately, no matter how much one ponders this or gets angry about it, there will never be a rational, concrete answer that will please everyone.  Because of this, trust and faith in God is completely necessary.  Whenever I find myself troubled by this thought, I remind myself that unfair events occur in life no matter who it is.  However, God is there to help those struggling through these obstacles.  He is there amidst the low points, providing patience, strength, and hope even during the lowest moments.  


In my life, countless things have happened that could easily make me frustrated and angry towards God.  Many of these struggles tempt me to think "why would God ever let this happen to me and my family", but I resist.  Multiple times a week, my dad asks me questions like, "so you just finished your junior year at Notre Dame right?" (I just finished my freshman year) and "what day is it today?".  Does the fact that my dad basically knows nothing of my life keep me down? The answer is no. Of course, I feel overwhelmed and extremely sad when I think about how desperately I want to be able to fully share my Notre Dame experience with my dad because of how much he loved it there.  I feel like just giving up when I think that no matter what I say or do, he won't remember, so what does it matter?  However, I have no choice but to pick myself up and continue on with life, knowing that God is with me and will provide me with the strength to keep going.


The fact of the matter is what happened, happened. Nobody can go back and undo the complications in his brain surgery. There is nothing that can ever get his short term memory back. My dad can't do anything to have his cancer completely leave his body. That's the way life is. What my family and I can do, though, is move forward and live every day positively and with as much love as possible. I'm not undermining how hard it can be at times, because the journey can be disappointing, defeating, and tragic. All anyone can do is try to keep moving, remembering that God will always be there to remind you of how much you can handle with Him by your side.

"he didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it."

I know I have a lot of posts about my dad, but I thought it was necessary to have one celebrating him on Father's Day! He never ceases to teach me lessons through his never ending faith, strength, and kindness. Just today, my family was in line for brunch and we got to talking to a lady in front of us. As it always does, his brain surgery and subsequent short term memory loss came up in conversation. He explained it all to the lady, and finished the story with "but yeah, I'm really lucky with the way it all turned out". Then, when she asked him how he felt about it all and if it was scary he replied, "no I'm not scared at all. I have my family here with me and I believe that God is always with me, and that everything happens with God there, so I know I'll be okay. I just take it as a lesson and a way to be a better person." This casual conversation reconfirmed just how amazing my dad is. I don't know anyone else who would think that way, especially when the obstacle of cancer was also thrown at him a few years ago. The fact that not remembering anything twenty minutes after it happens does not phase him is a sign of true courage and complete trust in God protecting him. My dad will always be my role model; I hope I can grow to be as strong and selfless as him. Love you, Dad!

"To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special....Cancer can take away all of my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever. I thank you and God bless you all."--Jimmy Valvano

This quote is on a sticky note on my laptop background.. Perfect daily reminder to live life to the fullest, no matter what comes our way, with passion, determination, and complete appreciation to the beauty of the world around you.

may you stay forever young.

Last Friday was my dad's 50th birthday. I'm so glad I got to be in town to celebrate with him, my family, and all of his friends and family. He is a daily inspiration to everyone he knows through his relentless faith and love for God. No matter what has been thrown his way, like short term memory loss and cancer, he refuses to give up and never stops believing that "everything is in God's hands". He wakes up every day smiling and ready to face the day, despite the confusion and disappointment in not remembering anything from the days before. He is a constant reminder to me, and to everyone, to face life with the determination and positivity that he has no matter what obstacles we may be facing. I love you so much, Dad, and I am unbelievably lucky and blessed to have an amazing dad like you. You are my role model in life and I hope that one day, I can grow to be as good of a person as you are. 

this could really be a good life.

Earlier today, I was thinking about the phrase "everything happens for a reason".  I think that people can either find that really inspiring or really frustrating.  For those dealing with family members/friends who get cancer, tragically die, etc., this quote can end up making them feel alone, defeated, and confused.  I think a good way to interpret this quote is that there really is no reason for a lot of things that happen in life.  However, you can choose to create positive lessons and experiences out of negative, tragic, difficult situations.  For example, in my life, there's no reason God allowed my dad to get cancer and to lose his short term memory and to have my family undergo all these rough changes that go with it.  I've come to realize, though, how much I've grown and learned from having to deal with this every day.  I've learned to have patience and to be able to handle more than typical people my age.  I would never ask for any of this to happen to my dad, but since I can't undo it or change it, I might as well look at how I'm growing from it.  Nobody's life is perfect; challenge yourself to look at the hard times you inevitably face in a different way.  There will be days when you feel down and defeated- everyone has them, but it's the overall motivation to look at the positive side and at the important fact that YOU ARE NOT ALONE in any of this.  With these thoughts in mind, you can get through anything. 

"the ability to keep living and loving when everyone would understand if you gave up is true leadership and strength."

[from same retreat talk as previous posts]

Although he may not seem like one, my dad embodies Christian leadership as well.  He may not be able to be the stereotypical “man of the house”, but he is an inspiration and role model to me through his deep devotion to God and his strong faith by putting himself fully in God’s hands.  He is always joking around and never lets frustrations or obstacles bring him down.  He stays strong and accepts his sickness and disability and learns to live with it.  Also, the way he physically cannot remember a lot of unimportant things teaches everyone not to dwell on the arguments or stresses that may happen.  He doesn’t let these downfalls take away from the memorable, loving moments.  He shows me what is truly important in life and that to handle inevitable ups and down, faith is essential to stay strong.  Also, by spending his time volunteering at Misericordia, he doesn’t wallow in self-pity like he could do.  He still makes serving others a priority and puts others before himself at all times.  

"Don't be afraid for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

Recently, one of my teachers showed me this and it really struck me.  To me, it explains just how much God is there for us no matter what and we can rely on Him through anything that happens in our lives.  This has become very necessary in my family with all the health problems.  In order to stay strong, we have had to fully rely on God that whatever happens, we can get through it.  However, something huge does not need to happen to need to go to God.  God is with us every single day, through the good times and the bad.  He is there to guide us and help us, but sometimes it is hard to realize.  We need to reach out to him in order to fully comprehend that He is always there for us.  Through good times and bad, not everything happens for a reason.  But with faith in God, and strength, we can find a reason for it and grow from these obstacles that come our way. 

happy (belated) mothers day.

In honor of Mother's Day on Sunday-


(part of the talk I gave at a retreat)


I was too immature to realize it then, but these long hospital stays were especially hard on my mom. He [my dad] was at Rush hospital, about an hour away from our house in Kenilworth. For the first few days, she would spend all day with my dad, come home and sleep, and then go back the next morning at around six. That shortly had to end after my dad, thinking he was on a retreat, woke up and took a shower in his hospital room. That was especially dangerous as he could've slipped and fallen and hurt his back even more. My mom learned from that incident that he really needed to be watched 24/7. She started to only come home for a couple hours a day to just take a shower and change her clothes. Despite being exhausted and run down, my mom never complained and was still always there for me and my siblings when we needed it. She put everyone else before herself at all times. Even when I’m venting about pointless drama or about other unnecessary problems, she takes the time to listen to me and give me advice even when she has a million things to worry about and deal with. My mom shows that she is a true Christian leader through her selfless devotion to family. Instead of understandably breaking down after essentially losing all sense of normalcy and dependency on her husband, she stepped up to become the true foundation of our family. God works in mysterious ways in that he is in the people around you. Their love is a manifestation of His love.

give until it hurts, then give a little more.

Part of a talk I had to give when I led a retreat:


In August that summer, going into junior year, I went on a pilgrimage to Lourdes, France. A priest, Father Wayne, brought forty high school kids to Lourdes to help the sick people, or malades (‘sick people’ in French), there for a week. For those of you who don’t know, Mary appeared to Saint Bernadette in Lourdes. Now, there is holy water there that runs 24/7 and many people go there to not only see where Mary appeared, but to be dipped in the holy water. Our job for the week was to bring the malades wherever they needed to go as they were in chariots, these chairs that looked like a wagon and a wheelchair mixed.


We had a chance to be dipped in the baths during our free time. You have to sit in a very long line and you say the rosary the entire time with everyone else there. That atmosphere right away provokes thoughts and emotions of how special Lourdes is. The water is freezing when you are finally immersed in it, but totally worth it. It feels completely refreshing and as if every impurity of yours is washed away. We also got to visit the grotto in the middle of the night. The grotto looks like a mini cave and it is where Mary appeared to Bernadette. It is also where the first spring of holy water came up, when Bernadette dug after Mary told her to. What is so special about going at night is that there isn’t the usual crowd filling up the walkway. Also, the candles illuminating so brightly in the dark make it seem even more magical than it is.


We all couldn’t go the same day, so usually only a group of about five people went each night. I chose to go the night after we went through a walking Stations of the Cross. Father Wayne asked us questions along the way that really made everyone think about his or her lives and the obstacles everyone faces. Because of this, it ended up being very emotional. It allowed me to fully break down about everything that had happened with my dad and the obstacles that came because of it. Everyone showed me so much support during the Stations, especially a couple people who walked with me the entire time.


I was still emotional when my two friends, Lizzie and Kathryn, and I got to the grotto. We walked through the grotto, touching the rocks that Bernadette must have touched, and standing where Bernadette must have stood. After lighting a candle and praying, we went to sit at a bench not too far from the grotto. We spent the next hour and a half just unloading everything about our lives to each other, crying and being there for each other the entire time. It was raining at this point, but we didn’t care. It felt so good to talk about everything that had happened in my family, and to have two amazing people there for me and listening to me.


The malades also taught me so much while I was there. Their intense faith and hope touched me to my core. When we would bring them through the grotto, they would be crying as they took it all in and touched the holy water running down the stones. Although they may not have been physically healed while in Lourdes, they were healed spiritually and emotionally. They never lost their optimism and cheerfulness towards us and towards life in general. Even though none of us could speak French, we all got very close with our malades through smiles, hugs, and compassion. Even though they are not your stereotypical leaders, these malades showed me Christian leadership. They taught me that we cannot control everything in our lives. However, we can control how we react to obstacles and hardships. These malades showed me the perseverance, hope, and optimism they have that get them through the hard times they go through.


This trip really opened my eyes to my faith. It helped me form a strong relationship with Mary and with God. Before, I was had always gone to mass every Sunday and thought of myself as fairly religious, but I never had a personal relationship with God. Lourdes allowed me to reflect on all my obstacles, and adopt a new sense of strength and reliance that God has a plan for us and would never make us go through something we can’t handle. I came home feeling fully rejuvenated and ready to face whatever was to come my way.


That next April, my parents actually also got the chance to go to Lourdes. Instead of helping others like I did, my dad was a “malade” through the Order of Malta. He got to experience all the aspects of Lourdes through another perspective, a VIP one, as all malades in Lourdes are treated as VIPs. Like the other malades that I met, my dad was spiritually healed. Although he cannot remember it today without being reminded, his faith and his hope for a long, healthy life was deepened. My mom, his caregiver, was also emotionally healed. She got to refresh her faith and get that extra boost of strength and hope that she needed.


The next summer, going into senior year, I was asked to be a leader on the Lourdes pilgrimage. As a leader on Lourdes, we were in charge of a small group who met every night to discuss their ups and downs, what struck them about the day, etc. We all had to guide the new pilgrims into serving the malades and putting their whole heart into the service. We also led them into fully appreciating Lourdes and learning just how special one’s faith can be.
Being in Lourdes again brought back all the intense emotions that it provoked last summer. I found a complete sense of peace and acceptance, and realized that my life wasn’t as bad as I thought. Although my family has gone through some struggles, I have a lot of people who love and care about me and that’s more than others could say. I found a deep appreciation for my family and for those who are always there for me and care about me.

myeloma mondays.

Multiple Myeloma for Dummies

My mom reads this blog, and every monday they share someone's story of having Multiple Myeloma. My mom entered in information about my dad and family, and they picked it to post this week! Check it out!

take my hand, and we'll make it i swear.

When my dad found out he was sick about two years ago, our community was SO supportive for our family. One day when they knew nobody would be home, they brought those flowers and made them into a shape of a heart in our backyard (see pic). They also had all our friends write us notes telling us how much they are praying for us and our there for us. It definitely let us know that we could get through this and had the whole community behind us 100%.

Little instances like this where someone goes out of their way for you is amazing. It means way more to the person than they think it will. Try to go out of your way for someone who needs an extra boost or needs support. You never know how much it will affect them. Also, those who are maybe going through a challenging time- know that you have more people there for you than you think, no matter what! Even if there is nobody at your school or community who you feel like you can talk to, know that I am here! I know how hard it feels thinking you have nobody to talk to; nobody should feel that way! My blog and I personally here for support, advice, to listen, anythingg!

YOU CAN DO IT.

You are stronger than you think.

What doesn't kill you make you stronger.

You are amazing-- just the way you are.

You are made to do amazing things.

You are loveable and worthy of being loved, no matter what.

life's what you make it.

Through the years, I have learned how important family is. You always hear how important they are, but it’s one of those things that goes in one ear and out the other, at least that’s how it used to be for me. That all changed about three years ago when my dad had a non-cancerous brain tumor. He had to have a surgery to remove it. During the surgery, there was a complication, and it resulted in him getting short term memory loss. Because of this, our family had to adjust to a new kind of living. My dad can no longer work. At night, he can’t remember what he did that day, etc. Our family had to become a lot stronger because of this. This kind of abrupt change in a family member is impossible to get used to- I am still not totally used to it. We had no choice, though, to accept it the best way we could and learn to live with it. It came as a surprise then, when about a year ago, my dad was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, a rare form of blood cancer. A million questions ran through my mind- Why him? He’s very religious and goes to mass almost every day- why did he deserve this? Was it a punishment? Why did God let this happen to him and my family? For the next couple months, he was in and out of the hospital constantly, reminding me of his six week stay at the hospital three years back. Now, luckily, he is in remission. The doctors say that the cancer will unfortunately come back some time, but we are very hopeful for him to stay in remission for a long time.

The thing to get out of this story is very simple- family is the most important thing you can have. Before all this happened, I never thought about how lucky I was or how blessed I was to have such a loving, supportive family. Unfortunately, it took devastating changes in my life to make me realize it. I now never take anything for granted that I do with my family. Even family dinners can mean everything. Of course, this is easier said than done and at times, I’ll be annoyed at my mom or mad at my brother, but I try my hardest not to. Also, because my dad has short term memory loss, he doesn’t remember little arguments I have with him or if I am ever in a bad mood. It teaches me to focus on the important, loving aspects of my family and to not get caught up in the small stuff that gets me upset. My advice to you is to remember how vital family is. Also, no matter what they do, it is because they love you. Don’t take them for granted. Try to let the feeling go that you’re too cool for them- stay in one night and just spend time with them.

Also, remember that God is always there for you with any problems you have. Since my life has changed, I look to God a lot for strength and hope. Without Him, I do not know how I would have the strength to keep going and be positive. When my dad first was diagnosed with cancer, I was so confused with God. I wondered why he would do this to him. I didn’t know if it was a punishment or he just simply let it happen. Now, I have realized that He does not put anyone through anything that they cannot handle. He has made me a stronger and better person through all of this. He is looking out for every one of us and we just have to have faith to be able to see it.

.... A mini talk that I said in a weekly lunch ministry group. Thought I'd share it.

don't stop believing.

Through the experiences in my life, I have realized that hope and faith are very vital in life. Without hope and faith, it would be impossible to get through the many ups and downs.

I do not know where I would be right now if I did not have hope and faith to help me deal with my dad's sickness and just life in general. Religion and God have become a lot more important to me this year. Through many amazing experiences, such as Kairos and a service trip to Lourdes, France, I have gotten a lot closer to God and realized that everything happens for a reason.

I am confident that God has a plan for everyone, and that he does not make us go through anything we cannot handle. I know that I have become a much better person because of the bad times my family has had. God will take care of all of us. Everyone must have hope and faith in Him that everything will work out and we will get through it.

It's easy to think about how my dad will die someday from this cancer and that we may have limited time with him. It's much harder to remember to just live in the moment and take every second I am with him as an important time and to just live it to the absolute fullest. Because my dad has short term memory loss, he forgets arguments I have with him, or times when I am in a bad mood. Thinking about what he does remember keeps me in check of what is actually important in life. And that little arguments or bad moods are taking away from the memorable, loving moments I can have with him.

I have hope and faith that God will take care of my dad and my family. I'm not saying I won't be devastated when my dad gets sick again, but I am going to try my hardest to just live in the moment and not think about what is coming. I encourage everyone to do that, even if a particular sickness or tragedy is not on your mind at all. Everyone should live it up because life is short. Seize the day. Don't have any regrets. Just live your life.

Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.