I was recently looking through old pictures on my phone and came across this screenshot.  At the time, I screenshotted it because my mom's message really struck me.  At the time of this conversation (last fall), my dad had just found out that his cancer came back, and that he had very large tumors on his chest. Because of his short term memory loss, it took him a while to ingrain the knowledge that he had cancer into his memory. This time was extremely scary for my entire family. None of us had any idea of what the future would bring for my dad. For me, everything seemed to be falling apart and I had no way to control any of it. Being away from home was overwhelming and stressful, especially because I had to keep up with school even though I was constantly thinking and worrying about my dad. Scary, negative thoughts were always going through my head, and I was always preparing myself for the worst. When I got these texts from my mom, though, I began to see it all from a different light. I couldn't control my dad's cancer or what would happen to him, but instead of using all my energy worrying and being pessimistic, I could spend my time remaining hopeful by praying and going to the grotto alone or with my friends.

I hope to one day have the strength and the trust in God that my dad naturally has each day. Despite all of the horrible things he has gone through, his faith never falters. Instead, he remains confident that God will continue to be by his side, and my family's side, and that everything will be okay. Some days, it takes a lot of extra effort to maintain this mentality because all you want to do is yell at God and feel defeated. However, I hope to use my dad as a constant example to live my life like him every day regardless of the difficult, troubling events that may be occurring around me. 

"life happens while you're busy making other plans"

"Know that you literally are where you are supposed to be.  You are learning this stuff exactly when you are supposed to.  You have to learn some stuff before you move on."

My mom said this to me earlier this week.  I was venting to her about different problems in my life that I'm too hard on myself about.  During this specific conversation, I was feeling discouraged and frustrated with myself; I felt that I wasn't living up to my highest potential.  I was looking for life to happen an exact way and it was increasingly straying from this ideal I had in my mind.  

This quote from my mom made me stop in my tracks.  I had never thought about it this way before.  Even though I tried not to, I always held high expectations for my life which inevitably led to constant disappointments.  This quote really spoke to me because it told me to stop and just live life.  By overthinking everything and having set expectations, I was refusing to let life truly happen.  

After this conversation, I vowed to myself to strive to go with the flow and be open.  Things may not always go my way, but at the same time, the best things in life happen unexpectedly.  As long as I stay true to myself and continue to foster my important relationships, life WILL work out.  It won't be easy to get out of my head, but the simple acknowledgement and acceptance of this tendency is the first step to allowing myself full freedom to live the best life possible.  It may not happen the way I initially want it to; however, it has the potentially to be so much greater than that, making it all worth it in the end.  

and i'll find strength in pain.

“The keys to patience are acceptance and faith. Accept things as they are, and look realistically at the world around you. Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen.”

I know that I've talked about this before in a earlier post, but in my life patience can get really challenging at times.  When my mom is out of town, I end up having to take control of what's going on that day, which includes giving my dad his medicines, reminding him multiple times what he has planned, and making sure there's rides for everyone.  It can get very frustrating and it doesn't make it better when I show my frustration and get angry or have attitude.  I sometimes tend to put too much pressure on myself to be the best person I can at every moment and to not make any mistakes.  I need to remember that there's a difference between trying your hardest and being perfect.  Being perfect is impossible to grasp and so sometimes I need to give myself some credit for at least trying and I need to remind myself that it is okay to lose your patience and get angry sometimes.  Everyone is allowed to feel whatever they are feeling- there's no way to control it.  Of course one shouldn't act on their feelings every single time because that's not good, but allow yourself some leeway to get angry or get frustrated-- it's okay to not be perfect.  Those who love you will forgive you and understand.  In my life specifically, my dad may not truly understand why it is so frustrating sometimes because he doesn't know that I'm repeating what I said five minutes before.  As long as I change my attitude and apologize, though, he gets over it.  Of course I'm going to try to keep my patience, but that's all I can do.  As long as I take one moment at a time and go into it with refreshed patience, right there I'm doing my best.  That can apply to any obstacle in one's life.  Never expect yourself to be perfect and handle everything right every single time- you're bound to just get discouraged and angry at yourself.  Take one day, one second, at a time and you'll get through anything. 

“Let nothing disturb thee; Let nothing dismay thee; All thing pass; God never changes. Patience attains All that it strives for. He who has God Finds he lacks nothing:God alone suffices.”

"Don't be afraid for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

Recently, one of my teachers showed me this and it really struck me.  To me, it explains just how much God is there for us no matter what and we can rely on Him through anything that happens in our lives.  This has become very necessary in my family with all the health problems.  In order to stay strong, we have had to fully rely on God that whatever happens, we can get through it.  However, something huge does not need to happen to need to go to God.  God is with us every single day, through the good times and the bad.  He is there to guide us and help us, but sometimes it is hard to realize.  We need to reach out to him in order to fully comprehend that He is always there for us.  Through good times and bad, not everything happens for a reason.  But with faith in God, and strength, we can find a reason for it and grow from these obstacles that come our way. 

happy (belated) mothers day.

In honor of Mother's Day on Sunday-


(part of the talk I gave at a retreat)


I was too immature to realize it then, but these long hospital stays were especially hard on my mom. He [my dad] was at Rush hospital, about an hour away from our house in Kenilworth. For the first few days, she would spend all day with my dad, come home and sleep, and then go back the next morning at around six. That shortly had to end after my dad, thinking he was on a retreat, woke up and took a shower in his hospital room. That was especially dangerous as he could've slipped and fallen and hurt his back even more. My mom learned from that incident that he really needed to be watched 24/7. She started to only come home for a couple hours a day to just take a shower and change her clothes. Despite being exhausted and run down, my mom never complained and was still always there for me and my siblings when we needed it. She put everyone else before herself at all times. Even when I’m venting about pointless drama or about other unnecessary problems, she takes the time to listen to me and give me advice even when she has a million things to worry about and deal with. My mom shows that she is a true Christian leader through her selfless devotion to family. Instead of understandably breaking down after essentially losing all sense of normalcy and dependency on her husband, she stepped up to become the true foundation of our family. God works in mysterious ways in that he is in the people around you. Their love is a manifestation of His love.