the 20- something's guide to self-acceptance

Set the intention to change. Don’t let yourself regress by being upset over not achieving your goals immediately. Success means that you don’t stop trying. Make peace with those who have hurt you. Apologize to those you owe an apology to. You will be humbled. You will be vulnerable. You will find feelings arising that you thought were dead and buried. Sit with them. Be honest with yourself about yourself. There’s no point in working on bettering someone who isn’t really you. 

Everyone is struggling. Despite what Facebook profiles suggest, nobody is perpetually thrilled with their life. The idea that you have to be is silly.Learn to be okay with just being okay. You do not have to have it all together. Nobody expects that of you, and the greatest things in life usually derive from what would otherwise seem like failure. 

Don’t see negative feelings as hindrances but as signs to be followed. Think of your emotions the same way you think of your physical sense of feeling. Your hand hurts if you put it on a hot stove because your body is telling you to remove your hand before it burns off. Consider what your your internal navigation and feelings are telling you to get away from (or alternatively, move toward). 

Write down the things you loathe about yourself, and be honest.Even if it hurts to be put it down on paper, and you’re hesitant to even write anything because you know this means you have to acknowledge this big-bad-terrible-horrible-no-good thing about you. Once you have a list you’re sufficiently uncomfortable with, dig. Think these things through. Consider why you behave the way you do, what influenced you to be that way, whether or not this is innately you and how these actions or traits affect your life. Work on ways to change the things you determine need to be changed. 

Understand that love is a verb, and is an action, and self-acceptance has everything to do with it. Just sitting and thinking about your positive traits and your desire to reform is good, but it’s not going to change anything. 

Realize that life is beautiful because it is flawed, and so are people. Think about somebody you love, and consider how they don’t fit into standard ideas of beauty and perfection. You love them anyway, don’t you? You even find some of these things more endearing than anything, right? Realize that you are loved no differently. 

Know that there is no right way to live. Success is subjective. You cannot follow someone else’s road map. There is no right or wrong way to do things. By accepting this, you start to realize that your life is perfect and beautiful, just not in the ways you falsely believe it should be. Understand that acceptance does not necessarily mean being happy about everything. It just means you are big enough to give acknowledgement.

thought catalog. 

“happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder”

"The problem, often not discovered until late in life, is that when you look for things like love, meaning, motivation, it implies they are sitting behind a tree or under a rock. The most successful people recognize, that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation.

For me, I am driven by two main philosophies, know more today about the world than I knew yesterday. And along the way, lessen the suffering of others. You’d be surprised how far that gets you."

- Neil deGrasse Tyson

This quote really struck me when I read it today.  Too often in life, people wait around for happiness to find them.  100% of the time, these people will end up disappointed long-term.  It's so important to consciously look for the positive aspects of life no matter what your situation is.  This can be extremely hard and downright impossible at times, but all you can do is try your hardest to acknowledge that life may not be ideal at the moment, but at the very least you will learn something about yourself through the struggles, and you WILL end up on top.  

In my life, a lot of the time I create images in my head of how I want things to turn out and they become so ingrained that I feel like it's the only thing that will make me happy.  In reality though, this is only keeping me from freely enjoying life and finding what will truly make me happy.  I am going to strive to keep this quote in mind and live by it the best I can- by simply living in the present moment, and reminding myself that if I enter life with an open, happy heart and mind, good things will come.

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."

11 important thoughts and reminders for your everyday life.

IMPORTANT: The thing about positive reinforcement and motivation is that often times it wears off. We’re all prone to rejection, setbacks, negative funks, heartbreak and misfortune beyond our control. Those things can seem like (or actually be) sicknesses, and sometimes the right combination of words serves as medicine. Hopefully this isn’t an excruciatingly painful tablespoon of “fruit” flavored cough syrup, and more like not-so-bad instant relief and a cure for the common rut — but make it last. I hope this lands on your bulletin board, in your bookmarks, or somewhere for you to refer to on dull days and difficult times. 

1. You woke up this morning! A lot of people didn’t. And a lot of people who did, won’t survive the day. This isn’t to depress you or make you think about death and get sad and stuff, it’s just a reminder that we’ve hit the jackpot having the opportunity of life. There’s always something or someone to be grateful for right this second, we just have to stop letting monotony diminish the value of and our appreciation for friends, family, good health, food, water, technology, and all that other amazing stuff. Gratitude y’all. 

2. There are some flat out mean-spirited individuals who have made spewing hate and negativity their sole purpose. When you identify one of these discouraging people trying to drag you down, slow your drive, crush your confidence or compact your dreams, don’t engage. Don’t react as if their words hold any merit, and don’t seek revenge. That will only veer you off track and turn you into a pessimist yourself. Do what you do and slap a hater in the face with success. 

3. Don’t compare or concern yourself with everybody else. We all know that person who is so successful, every time you speak to them it makes you want to go home and work on your résumé, but any time spent envying others or wondering why you can’t be in their position should be used productively, pursuing whatever makes you happy. There’s always someone doing a lot better than you and there’s always someone doing much worse. 

4. If there’s something you want, but it’s high risk, high reward — take that chance before you’re no longer able to. Rejection feels bad, failure feels awful, but regret feels the worst. Disappointment that we passed on something and the train left the station without us. A dream, a girl, a guy, words left unspoken – you can erase the possibility of having these regrets down the road, by taking a chance and at least knowing if it was or wasn’t meant to be. 

5. All of the best things will eventually end. I personally hate endings, I won’t even listen to the last track on albums all the way through, skipping back to the beginning before it can finish playing all the way through. The thing is, your current group of friends, the weekend routines you’ve adopted in recent months, the group of co-workers you adore – eventually people move, you leave, casts and locations change, and suddenly it’s a whole new show. Thoroughly enjoy whatever it is you’re enjoying until you right now becomes, “Remember back when…” 

6. Don’t judge. You ain’t Judy, you ain’t Joe Brown, and you definitely aren’t God, so refrain from condemning and labeling others. I know, it’s easy to make assumptions and have preconceived notions, but that’s why prejudice, narrow-minded folks, who confuse their opinions with facts and know exactly how everyone else should be living life are so common. We live in a world where passing judgment is commonplace and tolerant, accepting people are an endangered species. Remember, you simply don’t know a person’s background based on past experiences with individuals of the same gender, race, sexual orientation, belief system, etc. 

7. If you there’s anything you’re doing that makes you unhappy, and it’s being done for the satisfaction of somebody else, stop it immediately. No ifs, ands or buts — your time and happiness should never be sacrificed to fulfill the standards or satisfaction of others. 

8. You can’t remain at a job or in a career field that you despise. When your days off are spent dreading having to return to work or class, you’ve got to get out. It’s easy to think, I have bills to pay and this or that reason to stay miserable, and if that’s entirely true then you have to do what you can to live, but there are still ways of forming a hasty exit plan. Save up the funds to take an extended leave, apply at the place you actually want to work, take some type of progressive step toward a means of living that you find happiness in. That first step is always the hardest to take. 

9. Use your words! If you don’t know the answer, ask. Too often we try to read people’s minds instead of asking, and hoping for others to read our minds instead of us having to speaking about what’s on ‘em. Communication over psychic abilities all day, every day. 

10. Live below your means and you’ll be a lot better off. Even if you’ve mastered the paycheck-to-paycheck life (which is actually like being really good at being really bad at something), budgeting and not buying what you really can’t afford will result in less stress and close calls. 

11. Some problems you’ll have the power to change, other things will be beyond your control. Identify which type of issue you’re dealing with. If you’ve got some say in the matter, let your figurative voice be heard. When it’s literally out of your hands, have faith and believe it’ll improve. If a situation ever gets so bad that you feel as if you don’t have the energy or power to muster up wishing for a miracle anymore, just remember that there’s always a chance it’ll get better, no matter what it is. Keep fighting the good fight.

thought catalog. 

how to make 2013 your year.

With the start of a New Year looming, a popular thing to do is to claim possession of it. That’s right, tons of people are letting it be known via Facebook, Twitter and other social networks that they will be grabbing 2013 by the horns and taking control of it. What a lovely concept. Really, it sounds great in 140 characters or less. Maybe some people are hyped up on fresh start juice, and think that writing out a statement for the rest of the world to see will help those wishes come to fruition in reality. 

Here’s the thing — it’s not going to be that simple. When the clock hits 12 A.M. and it’s officially January 1^st, you’re not miraculously going to be in a different position than you are right now. You won’t suddenly be smarter, faster, stronger or better than you were on December 31^st. There won’t be any miraculous developments or new career opportunities throwing themselves at you. Things will be the same. 

You may partake in the NYE festivities, have a good time, and when you wake up the next morning, you’ll still be the 2012 version of yourself. Same job. Same issues. Same life. You’re still the person who vocalized your desire for change recently, but what you’re doing to make certain those things happen is a whole different story. 

So if everyone wants their piece of the New Year’s pie, how can you actually guarantee yourself a slice? First you’ve got to realize that many of the people claiming they’re going to conquer the world with no game plan or aspirations will soon have a rude awakening. Why? Well, because there are some hardworking individuals out there who’ve spent all of this year laboring and putting themselves in a position to succeed in 2013. Those people are at an advantage because the pursuit of their dreams isn’t postdated. They’re not waiting for a January 1^st, they’re not talking about what they’re going to do and what changes they will make – they are actively going after these things. 

The time spent telling folks that 2013 will be your personal highlight reel could’ve been spent productively working on said highlights. If you didn’t do anything in 2012 to put yourself in a position to succeed in the near future, don’t expect January 1, 2013 to be some type of miracle worker. Don’t get me wrong, a desire to be successful is great and that’s the key to making it. This isn’t about knocking those who claim 2013 as theirs; it’s just a friendly reminder that there are individuals who’ve had the same desires and plans to make next year theirs for quite some time now. With that in mind, it really just means that you’re at a disadvantage, and some dedicated hard work is in order. 

Being positive and wanting to improve is never something to mock, but some people have turned it into an empty declaration. They say what they’re going to do, seeking Likes, Retweets and temporary motivation rather than making statements through their actions. If it’s not something you’re willing to do whatever it’s going to take to achieve, eventually there’ll be some roadblock reason to give up. Ask yourself, is this the real thing, or will you have given up on your 2013 takeover by February? 

The New Year, much like the previous one, will have its share of opportunities. If there’s something, someone, or somewhere you want to be, right this second is as good a time as any to make progressive moves. Being motivated on January 1^st is a piece of cake. It’s the random day in June when you have to choose between the bar with friends or handling important work that’s crucial. It’s the monotonous routines you experience as you beat your craft that make a difference. 2013, much like 2012, will be exactly what you make of it. Just know that there may already be people several steps ahead of you, and embrace the challenge. 

thought catalog. 

“don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.”

It's so important to make sure that you always take time to just simply be.  So often, we get wrapped up in doing what we think we should do and what everyone else thinks we should do. Sometimes, you gotta just let your hair down, make a nice cup of tea, and relax.  Some of my best thinking and reflecting occurs during this time, not to mention I feel so relaxed and rejuvenated afterwards. In a world of business and constant bustling around, it's easy to get caught up. Resist the need to keep up with everyone else and do what YOU need to do to make yourself peaceful and happier. Enjoy the simple pleasure of doing nothing and be endlessly grateful for the little things that make up who you are.

“If we listened to our intellect we’d never have a love affair. We’d never have a friendship. We’d never go in business because we’d be cynical: “It’s gonna go wrong.” Or “She’s going to hurt me.” Or, “I’ve had a couple of bad love affairs, so therefore …” Well, that’s nonsense. You’re going to miss life. You’ve got to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down.”

you need to go after the things you want.

Have you ever been emotion-shamed before? You know what I’m talking about, has someone ever made you feel bad for being honest, for putting yourself out there and articulating your feelings to them? It’s a rare thing to do these days, to really let yourself be raw and vulnerable. We live in an age of posturing. People hide behind their phones, they carefully curate their communication with other people, which makes honest moments few and far between. When one manages to slip itself in, it’s jarring. “You’re being so real with me right now,” the person on the receiving end says. “I don’t really know what to do with all of this truth. We’ve gone off-script. We’re like in the 70s or something.” 

You don’t get anything you want by subscribing to the social rules of today. You remain frozen and in perpetual fear that you’ll come off as “crazy” to someone, you’re unhinged, you are officially seen as someone with no filter. God, I hate that term: no filter. What the hell does that even mean? Like, sorry, that I won’t lie and do this elaborate dance with you? Yes, I must be truly a loose cannon then! 

Don’t follow these rules of modern love. They’re shit. Imagine yourself at age 90 and filled with regret. Imagine being surrounded with “what if”s and “how come”s and not being able to do anything about it because you’re too old now, you’ve been edged out of society and the only thing you have left to do now is die. That’s what will happen to you if you keep on holding the love in.
Let it out. Let the love out. 

Read this quote by Harvey Milk:Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really. 

Harvey Milk said this decades ago but it has never felt more relevant to how we live our lives today. When did we become so afraid to love someone with vulnerability? When did we become so fearful of spilling our guts and being who we are? It sounds corny but it’s true. A few months ago, after a long time of doing the elaborate modern dance and keeping my feelings in, I let them out at 5 a.m. to someone and it didn’t go well. I could see this person make the switch in his mind. I was the “crazy emotional” one now. I told the truth and I was going to pay for my sins. 

We need to move away from this constant need of coming across as calm, cool and collected. WE WEREN’T BUILT TO BE CALM, COOL, AND COLLECTED. If we were, it wouldn’t feel so fucking exhausting all the time. It would, you know, come naturally to us. You know what comes naturally to human beings though? Being open, being messy, being raw, being unfiltered, having lots of feelings. Why should we have to stifle our true nature? 

Let’s go after the things we want, let’s love each other brutally and honestly, and not worry about the consequences. Let’s release the feelings inside of us and let them land somewhere special. Otherwise, we might have a lifetime of longing in front of us.

thought catalog.

"I think it’s intoxicating when somebody is so unapologetically who they are."

"Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see the greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself."

- Edmund Lee

45 life lessons, written by a 90 year old.

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.3. Life is too short not to enjoy it.4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.5. Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.9. Save for things that matter.10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye… But don’t worry; God never blinks.16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.19. It’s never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.24. The most important sex organ is the brain.25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, ‘In five years, will this matter?’27. Always choose Life.28. Forgive but don’t forget.29. What other people think of you is none of your business.30. Time heals almost everything. Give Time time.31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.33. Believe in miracles.34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.37. Your children get only one childhood.38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’dgrab ours back.41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you think you need.42. The best is yet to come…43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.44. Yield.45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

“Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”

"life is nothing if you're not obsessed."

This weekend, I went on a weekend long silent retreat.  It was amazing to get away from everything and reflect about my life and about my relationship with God.  At first, it felt weird leaving my phone, my friends, and everything for the weekend, but I'm so glad that I took that time for myself.  

It's sad that so many people miss out on life's most precious moments because they feel they're going to miss out on a social event or simply because they don't want to seem "weird" or different from everyone else.  I definitely fall into that sometimes.  For example, I used to not want to study abroad during the year for fear of missing out on campus or of having my friends "replace" me.  I'm happy I've realized this and have overcome it because although those are legitimate possibilities that could happen, I would miss out on an amazing opportunity that will help me grow as a person and learn so much.  

I love the quote, "life is nothing if you're not obsessed".  It emphasizes the necessity to be passionate about your own life and to dive into it, searching for new and exciting things/people to explore.  It's so incredibly easy for people, especially in college, to become complacent and to just conform and simply go through the motions.  That is NOT a way to live.  The quote, "life begins at the end of your comfort zone" also captures this important way to be.  You aren't living unless you're pushing yourself to be the best that you can possibly be.  And to find that, you must try new things, and make mistakes on the way.

everything is temporary.

congratulations! you are not dead yet.

Congratulations! If you are reading this, it means you are not dead yet! That’s amazing! That’s wonderful! You’ve done it! 

By waking up this morning, you have already bested a lot of people. By standing up and going to work, you’re way ahead of the game. By eating breakfast or drinking coffee, you’re better off than a majority of Earth dwellers. Hooray! 

Does it seem silly to celebrate something so obvious, so mundane? It shouldn’t. Think about it. You closed your eyes last night and on pure faith, you assumed you’d wake up today. Maybe you didn’t even consider the alternative (because how morbid would that be? To fall asleep every night wondering about death). Maybe you tossed and turned and worried about this morning. Maybe a combination of the two. But you fell into slumber anyway. You turned your body off on the blind hope it would turn back on this morning. And it did. It did!
Well, that’s cause for celebration, don’t you think? That’s reason enough to use this day for something good, something right, something productive. 

That thing you want to do? DO IT! Just go do it or start doing it! You are not dead yet. Don’t you get it? Don’t you see? That means you have plenty of time. And time, as everyone knows, is money. And money, well, it can’t buy happiness but it can certainly get you close. Or something less materialistic. You get it. 

Call your parents! Kiss the person you love! Tell your friends you appreciate them! 

Look. I get it. Candle in the wind, blah blah blah. It sounds hokey. It sounds like self-help nonsense. It sounds dumb. But there’s some faulty thinking going on there where you ruminate on the time that’s passed and you think it’s been wasted. But it hasn’t been wasted! It’s all been leading to now, to you, to what you’re doing now. Embrace it. Take all those memories and hold them close and examine them and then let them go. Then, do whatever you want. 

Do not give up. Do not believe you can’t change. Don’t think about the end. Don’t think about what’s going to happen or what might not happen.
Focus on this one thought: You are not dead yet. 

Well, that’s all the motivation you need, isn’t it? 

Did you know that Rodney Dangerfield only “made it” after 15 years out of the business as a family man and a salesman? Or that Ricky Gervais didn’t sell the idea for The Office until he was 40? Or that Van Gogh died in obscurity and shame? The point is, this life is unpredictable. This false idea we have that everything has to happen NOW NOW NOW, that immediacy takes precedent, that success is measured by how often and how soon, it’s just no good. It makes us washed-out at 30. It makes us tired and defeated at 25. It makes us sad. It makes us unproductive. It makes us nothing.
You are alive and that means anything can change. Anything can happen. (Maybe within reason. Maybe there are obstacles beyond your control. Maybe it’s not that simple.) But what if it is? Or at least, what if you can control the way you’re thinking about it? Or rather, not control but tweak, or not tweak but at least consider. Consider! There are, of course, different levels of privilege, different lives, different problems, different circumstances. I’m not suggesting this is universal. I’m not suggesting it’s a fix-all, or a cure, or even easy. For someone lucky enough to be alive, though, try to at least, consider:
You did it. You woke up. And if that’s it for today? Then, that is okay. That is great. That is fantastic. 

Because, hey! You are not dead yet.
So stop acting like you are.

thought catalog.

"evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and openness of people who embrace life"