show me what it all looks like.

From wanting to be loved
From wanting to be praised by all
From needing to be first
From finding all my worth in this world
From wanting to be seen
From constant worrying about myself

Deliver me
From validating words that only seem to serve a heart that's proud
And all my self esteem, dressed up in vanity and doubt
From wondering if I am relevant and liked, so God

Deliver me, deliver me
Show me what it all looks like
Scribbled on the pages of a human life
Riddled through the ages until we see the light
Breaking all the cages wide open
Every little prison

From fear of letting go
From fear of the unknown ahead
From being overlooked
And so misunderstood again
From fear of being judged
From rumors of a love that fails

Deliver me, deliver me
Show me what it all looks like
Scribbled on the pages of a human life
Riddled through the ages until we see the light
Breaking all the cages wide open
Every little prison

Let every man be more than I
Closer to the truth when I'm set aside
Mostly of no use, but when I fall I fly
Breaking all the cages wide open
All these little prisons
Show me what it all looks like
Scribbled on the pages of a human life
Riddled through the ages until we see the light
Breaking all the cages wide open
Every little prison

"the ability to keep living and loving when everyone would understand if you gave up is true leadership and strength."

[from same retreat talk as previous posts]

Although he may not seem like one, my dad embodies Christian leadership as well.  He may not be able to be the stereotypical “man of the house”, but he is an inspiration and role model to me through his deep devotion to God and his strong faith by putting himself fully in God’s hands.  He is always joking around and never lets frustrations or obstacles bring him down.  He stays strong and accepts his sickness and disability and learns to live with it.  Also, the way he physically cannot remember a lot of unimportant things teaches everyone not to dwell on the arguments or stresses that may happen.  He doesn’t let these downfalls take away from the memorable, loving moments.  He shows me what is truly important in life and that to handle inevitable ups and down, faith is essential to stay strong.  Also, by spending his time volunteering at Misericordia, he doesn’t wallow in self-pity like he could do.  He still makes serving others a priority and puts others before himself at all times.  

happy (belated) mothers day.

In honor of Mother's Day on Sunday-


(part of the talk I gave at a retreat)


I was too immature to realize it then, but these long hospital stays were especially hard on my mom. He [my dad] was at Rush hospital, about an hour away from our house in Kenilworth. For the first few days, she would spend all day with my dad, come home and sleep, and then go back the next morning at around six. That shortly had to end after my dad, thinking he was on a retreat, woke up and took a shower in his hospital room. That was especially dangerous as he could've slipped and fallen and hurt his back even more. My mom learned from that incident that he really needed to be watched 24/7. She started to only come home for a couple hours a day to just take a shower and change her clothes. Despite being exhausted and run down, my mom never complained and was still always there for me and my siblings when we needed it. She put everyone else before herself at all times. Even when I’m venting about pointless drama or about other unnecessary problems, she takes the time to listen to me and give me advice even when she has a million things to worry about and deal with. My mom shows that she is a true Christian leader through her selfless devotion to family. Instead of understandably breaking down after essentially losing all sense of normalcy and dependency on her husband, she stepped up to become the true foundation of our family. God works in mysterious ways in that he is in the people around you. Their love is a manifestation of His love.

give until it hurts, then give a little more.

Part of a talk I had to give when I led a retreat:


In August that summer, going into junior year, I went on a pilgrimage to Lourdes, France. A priest, Father Wayne, brought forty high school kids to Lourdes to help the sick people, or malades (‘sick people’ in French), there for a week. For those of you who don’t know, Mary appeared to Saint Bernadette in Lourdes. Now, there is holy water there that runs 24/7 and many people go there to not only see where Mary appeared, but to be dipped in the holy water. Our job for the week was to bring the malades wherever they needed to go as they were in chariots, these chairs that looked like a wagon and a wheelchair mixed.


We had a chance to be dipped in the baths during our free time. You have to sit in a very long line and you say the rosary the entire time with everyone else there. That atmosphere right away provokes thoughts and emotions of how special Lourdes is. The water is freezing when you are finally immersed in it, but totally worth it. It feels completely refreshing and as if every impurity of yours is washed away. We also got to visit the grotto in the middle of the night. The grotto looks like a mini cave and it is where Mary appeared to Bernadette. It is also where the first spring of holy water came up, when Bernadette dug after Mary told her to. What is so special about going at night is that there isn’t the usual crowd filling up the walkway. Also, the candles illuminating so brightly in the dark make it seem even more magical than it is.


We all couldn’t go the same day, so usually only a group of about five people went each night. I chose to go the night after we went through a walking Stations of the Cross. Father Wayne asked us questions along the way that really made everyone think about his or her lives and the obstacles everyone faces. Because of this, it ended up being very emotional. It allowed me to fully break down about everything that had happened with my dad and the obstacles that came because of it. Everyone showed me so much support during the Stations, especially a couple people who walked with me the entire time.


I was still emotional when my two friends, Lizzie and Kathryn, and I got to the grotto. We walked through the grotto, touching the rocks that Bernadette must have touched, and standing where Bernadette must have stood. After lighting a candle and praying, we went to sit at a bench not too far from the grotto. We spent the next hour and a half just unloading everything about our lives to each other, crying and being there for each other the entire time. It was raining at this point, but we didn’t care. It felt so good to talk about everything that had happened in my family, and to have two amazing people there for me and listening to me.


The malades also taught me so much while I was there. Their intense faith and hope touched me to my core. When we would bring them through the grotto, they would be crying as they took it all in and touched the holy water running down the stones. Although they may not have been physically healed while in Lourdes, they were healed spiritually and emotionally. They never lost their optimism and cheerfulness towards us and towards life in general. Even though none of us could speak French, we all got very close with our malades through smiles, hugs, and compassion. Even though they are not your stereotypical leaders, these malades showed me Christian leadership. They taught me that we cannot control everything in our lives. However, we can control how we react to obstacles and hardships. These malades showed me the perseverance, hope, and optimism they have that get them through the hard times they go through.


This trip really opened my eyes to my faith. It helped me form a strong relationship with Mary and with God. Before, I was had always gone to mass every Sunday and thought of myself as fairly religious, but I never had a personal relationship with God. Lourdes allowed me to reflect on all my obstacles, and adopt a new sense of strength and reliance that God has a plan for us and would never make us go through something we can’t handle. I came home feeling fully rejuvenated and ready to face whatever was to come my way.


That next April, my parents actually also got the chance to go to Lourdes. Instead of helping others like I did, my dad was a “malade” through the Order of Malta. He got to experience all the aspects of Lourdes through another perspective, a VIP one, as all malades in Lourdes are treated as VIPs. Like the other malades that I met, my dad was spiritually healed. Although he cannot remember it today without being reminded, his faith and his hope for a long, healthy life was deepened. My mom, his caregiver, was also emotionally healed. She got to refresh her faith and get that extra boost of strength and hope that she needed.


The next summer, going into senior year, I was asked to be a leader on the Lourdes pilgrimage. As a leader on Lourdes, we were in charge of a small group who met every night to discuss their ups and downs, what struck them about the day, etc. We all had to guide the new pilgrims into serving the malades and putting their whole heart into the service. We also led them into fully appreciating Lourdes and learning just how special one’s faith can be.
Being in Lourdes again brought back all the intense emotions that it provoked last summer. I found a complete sense of peace and acceptance, and realized that my life wasn’t as bad as I thought. Although my family has gone through some struggles, I have a lot of people who love and care about me and that’s more than others could say. I found a deep appreciation for my family and for those who are always there for me and care about me.

and i'll find strength in pain.

It's empty in the valley of your heart

The sun, it rises slowly as you walk

Away from all the fears

And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat

You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see

But I have seen the same

I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time

You take what is yours and I'll take mine

Now let me at the truth

Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears

I can see widows and orphans through my tears

I know my call despite my faults

And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands

And see the world hanging upside down

You can understand dependence

When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call

And sing all you want

I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now

And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

everybody's gonna love today.

This past week, I led a retreat called Kairos. I learned SO much about myself and about everyone else on the retreat. It made me remember how much I need to appreciate everyone I love and that everyone needs to remember that you never know what others are going through. Each and every girl that was on Kairos is AMAZING and beautiful just the way they are. I love them all so much and I hope they realize just how much they taught me and how much they all mean to me.

“Promise you’ll remember: you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”